So I decided to create one of these so i can get some things out of my head. Recently I have been doing a lot of self reflection and I know I need a lot of spiritual growth. I am anxious for new things to come, but at the same time I am nervous for my future.
Being young is awesome. being young should mean being free, but my financial status limits my freedom in this society. i don't like that. perhaps i have the wrong mentality about it...
I just got done with school which took 2 extremely short years. I sometimes wonder if IPR was the best choice for my post-high school education. I know I learned a lot, but i honestly didn't realize how competitive the music industry really is. I know i can make it, but i also know success isn't going to come easily.
I am jealous of my friends traveling the world right now. Peter is in korea, jostlund is in thailand, max is going to italy...it makes me want to travel and see the rest of the world.
living at my dad's house should have made things a lot more simple financially, but ever since i have moved in here i have seemed to lose my mental clarity.
I need a job. money sucks. i love all of my friends, but i feel like some of them are bringing me down...especially mary jane. i can't smoke pot anymore and i can't get drunk anymore. my partying days need to come to an end. they are only creating a distraction for me and the things i need to accomplish.
I need to be more strong mentally. I need to be more strong physically. I need to stop this endless cycle of self destruction. i steal because i cant afford. but why do I want these items so badly? why can't i just work to be able to afford the things I want. to me this seems much more rewarding.
how can i become the person that i want to be?
how can i break my co-dependence on adriana?
what makes me happy?
what do i want to achieve in life?
who do i want to be? as in what kind of traits would i like?
what am i looking for in a woman?
what can i do to be happy again?
what can i do to be stronger?
these are questions i need to answer for myself. perhaps some of you have some words of encouragement or advice. I am going to see a psychologist later this week and i hope that he can help answer some of these questions.
anyway, this has been a time of rambling but a good time none-the-less.
good night and good luck
2 comments:
your not alone at all brother man. we've got your back. honesty i have been a spiritual being, we all are. and I think I was put to the test in coming out here to korea. I had to leave love, comfort, friends and family in trying to seek ME. In that I was challenged and looked to other doors that may have been opened but my eyes have been blind. The way we used pot and drinking, was fun and I dont really regret it. but if it is consuming and tearing at your soul, then we have to let go. temptations will be faced I've been dealing with a lot of sexual temptations lately but I've diverted my eyes and ran from the face of sin. I still fall short and I feel like garbage, but I just say gotta take the trash out. honesty if you havent even told adi about this, you guys have probably slept together? well you know how it is said a man will leave his father and mother to join his wife, and they will become one flesh. theres a promise whether you know it or not (taken from vanilla sky) and there are attachments and ties that will hold you together, making you depend on each other, arousing and tempting you into the same tricks the devil will try and play. and man if your heart seeks to travel, I think you can take that jealousy and better it, and make it a goal to say I want to be with my friends here and there and there, I want to weed out the things I don't need to spend money on (ie: pot booze food etc) and use that extra money to save for a trip. have you talked to your dad about the things that you have desired in your heart? I still have difficulties reaching out to my dad, but he will honor you and help you out in the things that are truly important. but brother man you've got to stop stealing, its going to get you into trouble, its not worth it. I do a lot of listening, i've learned from my screw ups. I've testified and confessed continuously in my spiritual walk with christ, I've let go of unforgivness, I love my father now, and I know that any bondages and fears the devil tried to put over me, i've broken them so i can be free to live without fear of my future. that each day is a new day to spark something new, to change your life completely. who says life has to be a rhythm, each day is a day to live and that day is a day to be free from worry, anxiety, pain, suffering, and temptation. my heart will pray for you, and travis as he will begin his spiritual walk. i'm about to send him a bible, I pray that you will be able to help disciple each other in truth, and help each other grow. to keep each other accountable. I didn't stop to consider how hard this must have been and I feel grateful that you showed me your blog because now I can try and reach out like I havent before, because you have had my side from day one, from the fresh prince sweater days. I still remember the first time I went to church with you, how different it was, but now its in a different light. I'm just grateful. talk to God andrew, try. when I struggled with accepting Jesus into my life again, I all started back to God. because I remember praying prayers of confession, prayers of protectance over my life, and that was all to God. not about religion or politics just about God. A psychologist is just another person, please watch Good Will Hunting, i think its important cause me and max watched it simaltaneously within a week of each other without even knowing. it was really inspiring to me. if your struggling with money I dont want to turn you off, but you helped me, a friend helped me, not a DR psych. but I dont want to end like that. this was spontaneous but thats how I am. I love you man and I keep you in my prayers. peace
I couldn't have said this better myself. I'm glad you posted up your thoughts andrew, and that all 3 of us are here for each other. I love both of you guys and it touches my heart that even when you've been gone for a year on the other side of the earth peter, you are still closer than ever with us today.
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